My Happy Blog Place

Today one of my friends asked me if I was honest on my blog. She hasn't even read it, but she is just the kind of person who would ask me that. I love that about her! Although I've been thinking about it for quite some time, having someone else ask me so directly brought me to a new level of pondering on the subject. Am I deceiving those few people who actually read this, including myself? Have I carefully crafted this blog to show all the amazing things we are doing and to demonstrate that being single with three kids is actually FUN and exciting? Let me give you a little bit of history. You see, I have kept a journal regularly since I could draw a picture. I have kept mood, dream, travel, missionary, poetry, and art journals. I have actually been documenting the happenings of my family through writing and pictures for 9 years, 4 months, and 10 days (since my first daughter Olivia was born). I used to send an update to friends and family monthly, and then I faithfully printed them to put in books. I go back and read those updates sometimes, and they were definitely HONEST. They included our financial struggles, mini disasters with the children, sleepless nights with screaming babies. They contain most of the story. What I post on this blog does not. Somehow, between pre-online journaling and now, my blog has become somewhat of a photo-enhanced gratitude journal, similar to the one I keep every night by my bed. Over time, I have (without realizing it) left out more and more of the unpleasant stuff, and the result is a blog that makes our life look pretty darn ideal. Is this my optimistic side shining, or is it dishonest?

THE TRUTH is that life couldn't be more UNIDEAL. Behind every lovely picture on here, there was most likely a terrible moment preceding or following the click of the camera. Take for example the photos of the children playing in the fountains at Gateway on a relatively warm January day (from post 2/1/2009). Well . . . just after that fun-filled adventure, Olivia spent at least one hour throwing a complete fit about being cold and wet. It didn't help that we had no spare towels in the car that day (every other day we did, but for some reason I had taken them out that morning). It didn't help that I had promised Grace and Isaac a trip to the nearby planetarium, and I couldn't just let them down because Olivia had chosen to soak herself in fountains. It all turned out o.k. in the end, but I sure could have used a husband in those couple of hours!

THE TRUTH is, I use blogging late into the night while all is quiet to escape the insanity of what feels like something I must conquer every day. I purposely (though maybe a little subconsciously) portray only the best of what is going on here. THE TRUTH is that being divorced with three kids leaves precious little time together as family, and yet it gives me plenty of time to feel LONELY and sad when they are asleep. When we are together, our time is often spent trying to catch up on homework, cleaning, laundry, scouts, grocery shopping, and eating. When we do get out purely for enjoyment, we pay for it later in a way that sometimes makes me wish we didn't even make the effort to go have fun in the first place! Much of the time I am far too exhausted to be the mom I once was, the mom I am beneath the layers of fatigue, insomnia, and yes, depression. I could go on and on with the layers, but they are endless.

HOWEVER . . . What I do post is REAL. We are frequently blessed with moments of joy, some completely free of stress. Some hilarious due to stress. Some borne of sadness, others borne of kindness. I live for these moments because they hold everything else together.

THE TRUTH is . . . Writing this is making me realize that I put on a happy blog face - not so much for others (I think there's only a few people who actually read this) - but to convince myself that I am doing something right. Perhaps I'm doing it because I'm not sure what to do about all that other stuff that doesn't seem to be working out so well. Like how Olivia had a really frustrating experience at dance class yesterday. Or how I wish Isaac had more friends (he's a bit on the shy side socially). Or how Grace still can't say the "r" sound, and I haven't taken the time to go over the exercises a speech therapist gave us in January. More importantly, I desire the ability to appreciate Olivia's MIND - her amazing creativity and intelligence that are all too often misunderstood and unappreciated. I want to spend more time OBSERVING the world with Isaac and building things with him. I hope to spend more time reading and make-believing with Grace, experiencing her WONDER right beside her, instead of hovering above, thinking about what needs to get done next.

All of that said . . . I HONESTLY have a stronger belief now than ever in the power of a two-parent family, where mom and dad work together as equal partners to raise their children. Paired with that belief is an even stronger belief in and dependence upon my personal Savior, Jesus Christ. How personal that is I could never fully describe, but it is REAL. I simply would not be alive if it weren't for Jesus Christ. There is nothing that could change that because He doesn't abandon me in my deepest pain, and He won't let me give up on life. He also keeps reminding me to laugh and to stop and notice beauty in the most unsuspecting of spaces, as well as the more apparent places - often right before my eyes!

Perhaps what I am attempting to portray in this blog is the beauty I desire to live in the present. I capture little pieces of the present (sometimes when I am just not available to live them right then), cage them in my camera and somewhere in my mind - and then, when all is quiet I release them here where they can't fly away. And then, when I start forgetting about the important stuff, I step into this crazy blog place and escape to my favorite memories. HONEST.